my life april 2010 – 101% drama .

i don’t need a summary of the month, but just these events, because they have knocked my socks off for this month and i am still stunned and recovering… life sucks for me now.

finally decided to buy a new phone and get a line, so i got a data plan so that i have email and the internet at my disposal =)

paid to help zourdan get the same phone – the motorola milestone, and both lines were signed under my name.
went home to fiddle with it… whilst deciding to skip class, at night, zourdan’s friends called to tell me they got screened during smoking at a public place, and since dan’s name was already on the AWOL list, he got caught back to the station, then to camp.

on the day we got new phones too. tough luck.
didn’t realize i would be having to pay the phone bills for the time that he’s serving time. zzz.

so anyway. wee hours of the morning, still on the comp, some paypal internet webpage keeps popping up. suddenly notepad pops up and out comes a typed message – HAHAHA I HACKED YOUR ACCOUNT PAYPAL

and things like that. didn’t take it seriously, although my internet browser was constantly shutting down by itself… till the notepad messages started to list my email address, password… and the hacker informed me what he was doing (which means he’s not a pro, it’s his first time, as hackers won’t brag or let the hacked party know what they were doing), like, he got my mastercard info (so i promptly called the bank to cancel it), then he charged my card through google checkout (so i emailed them about the fraud), then he started saying things like he has changed my credit card pin (there’s no such thing… so if he doesn’t know about credit cards, it means he’s below 21 or below 18, noob).

tracked his email – hady_sazer@yahoo.com so beware!
I spent the next few days settling with the bank and obviously in a state of disbelief.

Two nights later as I was banging away on the computer there was an audible knock on the door. Well my doorbell has kinda been on the fritz lately but I remembered Daddee fixing it before he left so I found it suspicious. And, it was midnight..!
Peeped through the peephole and saw this unknown Indian man in a striped work shirt and slacks standing quietly on my doorstep. He didn’t look drunk but I was freaked out anyway; why didn’t he ring the bell?
went to get my maid but he was gone already (of course I didn’t open the door!).
Was thinking that it might had been a case of mistaken address… but then again if it were important he would’ve waited for answer, sounded out, or knock again… suspicious definitely!

I dismissed it although it did increase my paranoia.

The next afternoon Daddee called all the way from Mongolia. Saying that my sister was stricken. At bloody high noon two unknown men showed up at my doorstep, one topless Indian (!!!) And one Malay.
My sister said their main interest seemed to be in the whereabouts of my now-arrested brother. But the first thing they said when she answered the door was, “are you Zena?”
Omg! How the hell did they even know her name..?!
I can imagine why she was freaked.
Although would have preferred her to have kept her head on and asked them who THEY were, and why they needed to know so much.
So I called the police again, but they couldn’t put a watch on our house as we have not received threats or anything like that, but they did mention stepping up patrol.
Subsequently got a different male friend to stay over each night as much as possible, because there are no men in my house now.

Mommii has suspected hernia; well, her intestine dropped, so she needs to go for an op.

Seriously do I need to go on? I’m a fucking loser stuck with a horrible life…

happier, 2010 .

okay okay many times i wanted to blog . i know many things and posts are overdue .

well i’m glad to say i’m getting myself out of certain shit holes (and of course into others, but we’ll find a way won’t we) .

happy 2010, here, happy chinese new year, and i hope everybody gets happier, wealthier, healthier . . whatever matters in life .

bebacksoon-

why breakups really last so long .

it’s so sad saying we love each other but yet we always fight. how when he can only touch me when i’m sleeping. how i can only cry when he’s fallen asleep and i’m looking. and when i try to stroke his hair while he’s sleeping it feels so painful, i can’t touch him, i can only curl up beside him and inside it feels like i’ve died.

and the quotes…

If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I hadn’t liked you, I wouldn’t love you. If I wouldn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you. But I did, I do and I will.

I can’t talk to you anymore, it’s not that I am mad at you, it’s just that when I talk to you I realize how much I love you and when I realize how much I love you, I realize I can’t have you and that makes me love you even more.

I’m not supposed to love you, I’m not supposed to care, I’m not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I’m not supposed to wonder where you are or what you’re doing, but I can’t help it, cause I’m in love with you.

There’s this place in me where your fingertips still rest… Your kisses still linger and your whispers softly echo… It’s the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.

I wonder, when you look into my eyes and watch my heart shatter, does it break your heart too, even crack it a little bit?

The worst way to love someone is to sit next to them, knowing they don’t love you back. I was born the day I met you, lived a while when you loved me, died a little when we broke apart.

How can I love again when I can’t stop loving the one that hurt me so much?
I wish I was a kid again, because skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.

You can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel.

I don’t know why they call it heartbreak, it feels like every part of me is broken…

I once heard that love is friendship sacrificed but if it is true love you will make that risk.

i just can’t . .

i can’t take it anymore .

i really need at outlet to vent . i don’t feel like doing anything; i just feel like dying.

i’m so sad !

it’s just getting worse and worse . i think i’m approaching my breaking point soon . there’s only so much abuse i can take ! why can’t we just be nice and normal like before ? it hurts everytime he treats me differently . it hurts worse when people notice it and ask me about it . everytime someone asks me about it i feel hurt like three times more .

and it’s not like i go looking for him all the time; sometimes i see him and all, and aren’t we friends? can’t we be like last time chatting and smiling at each other as per normal!?

why do i have to end up hiding in one corner to cry and then walk back to our circle of friends pretending nothing ever happened?

i’m so hurt, deeply hurt, and all he can tell me is ‘i don’t care about how you feel’…

 

did we come this far just to end like this…
i’m so hurt…
can’t stop crying ’cause it really really hurts ’cause he means alot to me…
but in his eyes…? it’s like i’m just dust… … like i don’t exist anymore… it’s hurting SO BAD!

i wish he would come up to me and tell me he’s really sorry and it won’t ever be that way again.
and tell me to please stop crying. i wish he would… i wish…

 

please just stop it! i can’t take it… can’t keep it up anymore…!!!

not another emo digression post . . !

i shouldn’t be letting these hot tears stream down my face.

i shouldn’t!

what does it matter, what i do for him?
what does it matter, whatever i went through?
we can’t tell anyone, because we want to keep it to a minimum. and they DON’T KNOW. they DON”T KNOW what happened, or what it was like to be me when it happened.
they’ll just side him.
they don’t see it, they don’t know what i did, they don’t know how i was treated like shit. they think HE IS STILL BEING NICE TO ME by entertaining me. they think i’m the bitch because i put my claws into him for something that happened already. they think there’s nothing for me to hold on to? they think it’s easy? if it happens to them i wonder who’ll be crying.
and hope it happens to them four times over too.
then maybe they won’t be skeptical about whether it happened; whether it’s possible.

why can’t they come ASK ME if they wanna know?!
ASK ME, i’ll tell you the pain. i’ll tell you how it felt. i’ll let you know what real hurt is like, and you can see if i’m lying.
or if it’s all just crocodile tears.
why doesn’t anyone care what i went through? do they not think it would have been more painful for me than him?

doing all the right things FOR HIM and his future when i’m left alone and all i get is this shit from other people.

actually, if they already look at me in that way, i can’t do anything. if they can’t wash off the opinion they have of me from 8 years ago, so be it.
even he said i’m not a nice person. i’m all bad inside. rotten, you know? because just a few phrases from them about things that happen several years ago and he condemns me for whatever i am.

 

I AM WASTING TEARS ON THEM. fuck-

too many sometimes

the thought that i shouldn’t let it bother me that much popped into my head whilst walking home just now. why is it one guy is worth that much of my attention when i obviously have more things in life to do?
worse yet nobody seems to care if i treat him nice, treat him like the best, because people still go up to him and tell him “why are you still entertaining her”, like hello, it’s not like he has anything to lose at all, but i’ve already lost alot and more.
just look at the difference in the way he says goodbye to other friends and me. for them, it’ll be the standard nice look-at-them and wave goodbye with a lighthearted voice kinda goodbye. for me? just a ‘bye’ and doesn’t even look at me. he doesn’t really look at me when we’re talking among our group of friends and when it’s my turn to voice out too. it’s like he’ll give other people the eye contact, that basic human respect but it’s like i’m some sort of shit in his eyes.
it’s not like i REAAAALLLLY need his attention. not like i dress up for him or anything, unless i’m on a date with him.
but seriously, i’m like way below his opinion or something. can’t help feeling like crap. the only time he treats me like a goddess is perhaps when we’re… alone and in better settings (no need to elaborate).

i should just focus on myself, on improving myself, doing what i want to do.
there’s been some improvement in doing so; sometimes i don’t feel lost when i have to go off alone when i could have stayed to be in his company or something. sometimes i just feel great and i don’t need him to amplify my happiness. sometimes i get really sick and i can cope by myself without thinking of asking him for company. sometimes i get tired and i just think maybe it’d be better to be resting alone. sometimes i can offer to do things for him, give him advice or help him as friends.
yah, it’s definitely better for me now. although nothing stops him from treating me horribly sometimes.
i just don’t understand why he can’t be nice to me like he is to everybody. sometimes i wish i could say everything i feel without him scolding me or saying i’m bullshitting or ignoring me or hitting me or me crying (obviously, tears are rolling down my eyes now… much better this time though; i got to the 7th paragraph before shedding tears).
you know, i just want to be happy sometimes? instead of me always trying to make him happy, live by his rules/conditions, try to be perfect in his standard, struggle with my emotions when i can’t be with him, up my tolerance level to ‘impossible’ when he starts being difficult, hold back my tears when he makes me feel like shit in public…
why can’t HE just one day come to me and say ‘i’ll make you happy today’? just like how i’ve always been trying to do, just like how i’ve always been tolerating, been trying to be patient, and nice… and shut up whenever he gives me no choice… why can’t he do something nice for me; make me smile; for all that i’ve done and gone through?

 

enough emoshit, been wearing an eye patch a week over and it’s no joke. dancing is hard with it, i have less balance, i can’t spot my turns, can’t feel any space awareness to my left…
i shall try to push myself more.
fixing my hip bones has decreased my flexibility tremendously, it’s horrible.
and if i used to always attempt triple pirouettes, i should be having them down pat now and attempting four. once i reach that level i’ll be able to do much more in dancing jazz.
my left hip still ‘cracks’ everytime i turn out or try to split or kick it real high. like OUCH. argh can’t do much about that one.
centre splits; should push more!
and my turns on the left, plus jump combinations towards the left side! argh i should be less one-sided.

and I NEED TO BUY NEW SHOES. I AM SO UPSET. AND SICK. I HATE BEING SICK. AND ALONE.

i need to stop feeling sorry for myself

. . because no matter what, i’m not a loser, and no matter what, i’m me and that makes me unique, and there will always be other people leading sorrier lives, and other people clamouring to be me… to have a home, a family, food…

well.

but how not to?

when he obviously doesn’t think i’m ever good enough for him.

(i know, i can’t give up the world just for one guy; but it hurts, still.)

i’m not pretty, i don’t have the kinda figure he’ll lay his eyes on, i’m not talented, i can’t play musical instruments for nuts, i sure as hell can’t sing, i don’t suit dresses (now he tells me.), i can’t try to go feminine (then? wear my brother’s basketball shorts everyday? and have no guy look at me?), he doesn’t even look at me when i dance ’cause he ‘knows what to expect from me already’ that’s why he’d be staring at the super-big-boobed girl in class who can’t dance for nuts even though i’m like one of the best in class.

(so tell me why i bother being jealous when it’s a dance class not a beauty pageant? i’m not losing out in any way… right?)
… right.

freaking cyst grew again when i thought it diminished.
it’s damn huge now, the doctor was totally shaking his head.
surgery on monday, i hope. it’s freaking expensive to get it done at the clinic… but if i wanna do it at the polyclinic i’ll need to see a doctor all over again. aww crap. just want it gone. can’t get it done now ’cause i’ve gotta perform over the weekend. was considering an eye patch. LMAO. or maybe shutter eyeglasses. but err… that’s so not my style.

ahh crap.
even eating a Magnum Almond icecream bar didn’t help much…

on the other hand, love my hair colour now. top shorter outer half (outside top part is short hair, the rest of my hair is assymetrically longer) is dyed light copper blonde (i think. it’s basically brown. totally not red anymore, yay. different shade on my head.), whilst the red is just wine red.
so needa go for straightening again though. tiring to keep flat-ironing my hair before i go out. boomz… gone to take a 10min power nap.

ARGH so much shit in my head. need to clear my mind, and really be confident about who i am… =((

i . .

never , asked , to be ugly .

 

 

. . . or flat-chested .

dance dance revolution

i know, my whole life now just consists of dance posts. mainly. hahaha.
but seriously, this year has been really eventful for me. in terms of dance (as a career? hmmm…), i’ve been getting lotsa opportunities and openings (even though there were many i missed, they were open to me for that while…) and chances to establish dancing (more commercially) as a career choice for, now.

i guess next i just hope to be able to get the next opening for dancers at the venetian casino in macau. ’cause that money would enable me to have savings to go abroad for a quick dance programme =)

recently the quote to live by would be, ‘if you never try, you’d never know’.
i didn’t prepare for the open solo category for suntec dance 2009, but i mixed the song that very morning and went up onstage… and promptly freestyled, lol. i did a lyrical piece. one of the advantages of attempting a solo is that is gives you full use of the stage, and no one can tell if you make a mistake. however in freestyle you’ll tend to keep doing certain stuff that looks the same. i can’t believe i didn’t do a single battement (kick)… and my grand jete was over, but i couldn’t control the back leg… =(

all in all it was a great experience, but now i’ll need to incorporate street dancing into my routine for the heats if i want to ensure a place in the semi-finals, ’cause i’ll have to show what other genres of dance i can do.

jitterbugs swingapore has moved from millennia walk to their new studios at the cathay!
it’s still being fixed up but classes have commenced… much bigger place but the layout sucks. and everything’s INSIDE, so you can’t see a thing except… pole classes? DUH…
and it’s at B1 where all the eateries are…? obviously the pole studio has to be covered up then, otherwise it’d be too distracting for the people eating…
if you ask me, the hiphop (party studio) classes should be on show. and jazz classes too.
the ventilation isn’t fully done up so it’s really stuffy inside and i get giddy during classes. ballet studio is very small though… and scary.

okay been having additional classes to teach, mainly assisting but that’s fine ’cause i’ve got too much going on to choreograph and lead. genting trip coming up for dcoh’09 semi-finals in september… and next round for open solo…
argh.

been really lethargic recently even though i’ve quit sleeping at 4-6am… and now sleep at 1-2am instead. i was still groggy and my eyes half shut at 11am today, but dragged myself outta bed.
okay been addicted to haagen daaz rum and raisin ice cream as my comfort food now… i know it’s costly but hey, whatever works yeah.
awaiting new shoes to arrive xD
wish i could order more, hahahaha, but then i don’t have much more space at home for new shoes, uh-oh… plus, i need to fix up all the heels which are broken and actually WEAR THEM because i never do -.-”

uhm okay very nauseous now suddenly. i need to lie down.

the mid-august rush

whoa! fucking busy this weeeeeek. so many things on my mind, so much stuff going on, so many things incoming, just in one week!

national day kickstarts the week; happy 44th birthday singapore!
i also officially turn 21years and 8months old.
gaaah.
(i’ve never officially felt 21 though…)

jitterbugs swingapore has a new studio opened at the cathay (moved from millennia walk)!
oh joy, lesser time taken to travel there, plus lesser walking distance from the mrt, and easier easier convenience and food shopping nearby =D

hair show at the bellini grande next week, so i get to get my hair coloured and re-styled this week. omg, i hope i don’t end up looking like a freak.
plus, have to get the money jitterbugs owes me this week.
mid-month is also my salary payment from the singapore sports council.
after 2-3months, i’m finally ordering another pair of shoes! hoo! too pretty to miss; although they’re black… boring colour for shoes now that i actually own a neon green pair (which tore at a corner! sob, i hope it can be fixed…).

jerinne called, finally presenting me with new assignments under dance atelier.
assisting for tambourine classes at anchor green primary school, tuesdays, wednesdays and fridays for up to the next 6-8 weeks!
tomorrow (wednesday’s)’s class is actually… in less than 5hours! OOPS!
well, jerinne called the right time ’cause the hair show’s rehearsals were re-scheduled all over again.
i could slot in properly.
PLUS, not to mention, SUNTEC DANCE 2009! omg. i’m actually participating in the open solo category… EEKS! o-O”

what with all our rehearsals and all, i have too much happening this week! oh no, and i haven’t prepared my solo!