too many sometimes

the thought that i shouldn’t let it bother me that much popped into my head whilst walking home just now. why is it one guy is worth that much of my attention when i obviously have more things in life to do?
worse yet nobody seems to care if i treat him nice, treat him like the best, because people still go up to him and tell him “why are you still entertaining her”, like hello, it’s not like he has anything to lose at all, but i’ve already lost alot and more.
just look at the difference in the way he says goodbye to other friends and me. for them, it’ll be the standard nice look-at-them and wave goodbye with a lighthearted voice kinda goodbye. for me? just a ‘bye’ and doesn’t even look at me. he doesn’t really look at me when we’re talking among our group of friends and when it’s my turn to voice out too. it’s like he’ll give other people the eye contact, that basic human respect but it’s like i’m some sort of shit in his eyes.
it’s not like i REAAAALLLLY need his attention. not like i dress up for him or anything, unless i’m on a date with him.
but seriously, i’m like way below his opinion or something. can’t help feeling like crap. the only time he treats me like a goddess is perhaps when we’re… alone and in better settings (no need to elaborate).

i should just focus on myself, on improving myself, doing what i want to do.
there’s been some improvement in doing so; sometimes i don’t feel lost when i have to go off alone when i could have stayed to be in his company or something. sometimes i just feel great and i don’t need him to amplify my happiness. sometimes i get really sick and i can cope by myself without thinking of asking him for company. sometimes i get tired and i just think maybe it’d be better to be resting alone. sometimes i can offer to do things for him, give him advice or help him as friends.
yah, it’s definitely better for me now. although nothing stops him from treating me horribly sometimes.
i just don’t understand why he can’t be nice to me like he is to everybody. sometimes i wish i could say everything i feel without him scolding me or saying i’m bullshitting or ignoring me or hitting me or me crying (obviously, tears are rolling down my eyes now… much better this time though; i got to the 7th paragraph before shedding tears).
you know, i just want to be happy sometimes? instead of me always trying to make him happy, live by his rules/conditions, try to be perfect in his standard, struggle with my emotions when i can’t be with him, up my tolerance level to ‘impossible’ when he starts being difficult, hold back my tears when he makes me feel like shit in public…
why can’t HE just one day come to me and say ‘i’ll make you happy today’? just like how i’ve always been trying to do, just like how i’ve always been tolerating, been trying to be patient, and nice… and shut up whenever he gives me no choice… why can’t he do something nice for me; make me smile; for all that i’ve done and gone through?

 

enough emoshit, been wearing an eye patch a week over and it’s no joke. dancing is hard with it, i have less balance, i can’t spot my turns, can’t feel any space awareness to my left…
i shall try to push myself more.
fixing my hip bones has decreased my flexibility tremendously, it’s horrible.
and if i used to always attempt triple pirouettes, i should be having them down pat now and attempting four. once i reach that level i’ll be able to do much more in dancing jazz.
my left hip still ‘cracks’ everytime i turn out or try to split or kick it real high. like OUCH. argh can’t do much about that one.
centre splits; should push more!
and my turns on the left, plus jump combinations towards the left side! argh i should be less one-sided.

and I NEED TO BUY NEW SHOES. I AM SO UPSET. AND SICK. I HATE BEING SICK. AND ALONE.